Finding Home: Grief Counseling in Seattle for Embracing Your True Family

Photo by Chelsea

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, we are taught that the first context we are born into is our family. This unit significantly impacts the development of the individual and people related to others. In my years as a therapist, I’ve worked with many people dealing with family of origin issues including abuse, boundary issues, grief and loss, self-esteem issues, communication misunderstandings, healthy parental relationships, addictions, and neglect. A common area of grief and acceptance relates to grieving the family of origin you wish you had, versus accepting the one that exists.

In my experience, people spend time and energy trying to change others and end up disappointed and exhausted. This behavior can keep people stuck in a cycle or sadness, rejection, and frustration. Peace and alignment comes when people fully accept that they cannot change others and can only focus on themselves. I encourage you to go look at my blog about Grief and Acceptance to understand what acceptance more fully is and isn’t. Acceptance isn’t condoning someone’s behavior or agreeing with it. In this case, it is acknowledging where the relationship and other person are at and making decisions from that present moment awareness. If you’re feeling frustration, sadness or rejection from a family member, ask yourself if you’re working on you or trying to change them.

 Here are some hints that you may be trying to change your family member:

·      You’ve told your family member your boundaries but they don’t respect or listen to them. You attempt to find different ways to say it but they still aren’t receptive.

·      You try different ways of engaging with them rather than being yourself.

·      You don’t feel loved or care for by that family member.

·      You get angry that your family member isn’t like other peoples’.

·      You resent having to do x,y,z for this family member.

·      Other people in your family are cutoff from this person.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

It’s natural to want to be accepted and loved by your family of origin. That’s an innate desire. However, for many people, continuing to pine, strategize and work for such acceptance and connection is harming rather than healing. When you can work to accept someone as they are, you can then decide how you want to proceed. Sometimes people can get so caught up in fixing one relationship they neglect the loving ones that are right in front of them.

In relationships, we can only focus on how we want to act and engage in the world. This can be infuriating at times when you don’t get the behavior or outcome you want. Trying to adapt yourself to get a specific outcome from another person is crazy making. That will make you unhappy AND not get what you want. Sometimes the best strategy is to grieve that you don’t have the family member or type of relationship you want. Only then can you decide how you want to move forward.

Acceptance and Decisions

You may decide:

·      To cut off communication from that person.

·      To have a surface level relationship.

·      To invest in other relationships in your life.

·      Build family of choice.

·      To be more authentic regardless of the consequences.

·      Start saying ‘no’ more.

·      Gain more clarity on your values.

Focusing your energy on yourself instead of changing others will liberate you. Examine your relationships as they are right now, not what they could be or what they were in the past. Present moment information will help you decide what next steps to take and invest your energy where you will feel your best.

If you’d like individual relationship counseling in Seattle or grief counseling in Seattle, schedule a free consultation with me today.

Also check out my other blogs on grief:

Navigating Adversity: Grief Counseling in Seattle for Coping with Medical Gaslighting

Navigating Toxic Positivity: Grief Counseling Strategies in Seattle

Seattle Grief Counseling: Validating Your Experience with Chronic Illness

Strength in Surrender: Grief Counseling in Seattle for Embracing Acceptance

A Comprehensive Guide to Grief Counseling in Seattle

Thawing the Freeze: Grief Counseling Strategies for Building Community in Seattle

Navigating Retirement Grief: Expert Grief Counseling in Seattle

If you want to learn about my other specialities, click on each one to find more. They include infertility, pregnancy loss, medical trauma, health issues, and grief.