Thawing the Freeze: Grief Counseling Strategies for Building Community in Seattle

Years ago, I was visiting my brother in San Diego. We decided to rent paddle boards and head out for a fun afternoon in the ocean. If you’ve met me in person, you know I’m not very big, a strong five foot zero on a good day. These paddle boards were monstrous, and the insufficient length of my arms needed to carry it became extremely apparent. We still had a few more blocks to go as I struggled to maintain my grip carrying this giant water accessory. Suddenly, I hear two kind voices ask me, ‘Would you like some help?’ I turn to see two young, tall, ladies who obviously spend a lot of time at the beach offer to carry my board for me. I grew suspicious. What did they want? Are they making fun of me? Are they trying to talk to my brother? I thought, I’m in a swimsuit, I have no money. They politely told me they saw me struggling, engaged in some natural chit chat and got me safely to the shores edge. Even though I felt compelled to offer them something in return (who knows what) I instead simply thanked them for their kindness, and they went on their way.

I often reflect on this interaction and the mental hoops I jumped through trying to understand how or why two complete strangers would jump at the opportunity to help me with no expectation of anything in return.  This and other experiences have inadvertently forced me to compare my experiences in Western Washington to those elsewhere. I grew up in Eastern Washington and like many others, moved to the big city for school. I actually hated it here for the first few years. I was used to 300 days of sun a year and four distinct seasons. It took time, but slowly (very slowly) I build community and found my people.

With my personal experience and client experiences considered, I would say that what we know as the ‘Seattle Freeze’ is real.

What is the ‘Seattle Freeze?’

This term refers to the difficulty of making new friends in the Pacific Northwest. It encapsulates the idea that people not only are indifferent about making new friends but happily opt-out of such activities. This can also include of lack of total strangers offering to carry your paddle board down to the water.

Why does the ‘Seattle Freeze’ Happen?

Here are some of my theories about why the Seattle Freeze exists:

·      The weather: Most of the year people are stuck indoors, naturally isolating them to their home and a lack of interaction. When the weather is nice, people are so used to staying to themselves they don’t put themselves out there.

·      Transplants: As a West Coast city, there are a lot of non-native Wash-i-tonians living here. They may put more energy into previous community connections and relationships.

·      Housing: Predominantly, Seattle is made up of single-family homes rather than a majority of mixed use or multi-family homes, further isolating people from their communities.

·      Education: Seattle has a highly educated population which may also contribute to people focusing more on their individual goals and careers. This phenomenon may have increased as tech continues to boom.

What to do about the ‘Seattle Freeze?’

I would say the topic of adult friendship and community is addressed with about 95% of my clients at some point. We know community and close relationships are a key part of living long, healthy lives. A previous professor of mine once referenced how in America, we switched from front porches to back porches, indicating the shifting focus on the nuclear family rather than the greater community. I would argue we see some of the negative impacts of that today.

So do we just grieve and accept it’s hard to make new friends?

NO.

Is the ‘Seattle Freeze’ real? Yes. No. Maybe? Okay.

And that doesn’t mean making new, fulfilling relationships isn’t possible.

5 Tips for overcoming the Seattle Freeze

1) Building new friendships is like dating. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and vice versa. That’s okay! Quality is better than quantity.

2) New friends don’t have to be your new bestie. Sometimes certain friendships fill us in different ways. Accept that’s okay rather than thinking every relationship has to be the same.

3) Put yourself out there! It’s scary, but it’s the best way to find people with whom you connect.  Here’s some ideas of how to connect:

• Get involved in activities you enjoy like community soccer, a book club, or a social advocacy group.

• Look into local professional organizations related to your career.

• Volunteer

• Identify at least 2 people already existing around you that you might ask to hang out. This could be your barista, your neighbor, your kids’ friends parent, whoever! As kids, our friends are who sit next to us. Don’t over think it.

4) Keep going. If someone doesn’t call or text back….okay. It doesn’t mean any more or less than that.

5) Remember, most people are lacking community and grieve the isolation. Most people want the same things you’re looking for but haven’t gotten the courage to speak up.

As an adult, it can be challenging not only to make new friendships, but to maintain old ones. Don’t beat yourself up, most people struggle with this and it doesn’t mean you’re unwanted or unloved. If you’d like more help in building happy, healthy relationships, reach out and schedule a free consultation today.

Check out more blogs about Seattle specifically here:

 Finding a Therapist in Seattle

Questions to Ask a Therapist in Seattle

What to Expect From Therapy in Seattle

Top 4 Myths About Therapy in Seattle

Top 10 Truths About Therapy in Seattle

If you want to learn about my other specialities, click on each one to find more. They include infertility, pregnancy loss, medical trauma, health issues, and grief.