How to Handle Unwanted Comments This Holiday Season From a Fat Positive Seattle Anxiety Therapist
The holidays can be a time of peace, joy, and excitement, but it can also be a time of anxiety, dread, and discomfort. Let’s face it, most of you reading this have probably dealt with unhelpful comments from friends, family, or strangers at some point in your life. Unfortunately, due to an increase in social gatherings, engagement with people you haven’t seen in a long time, and family commitments, the holidays can bring an increase in unsolicited advice and comments.
Image from Pexels by Mohammed Abubkr 12/9/24
It can be helpful to think about how you want to handle such situations so they don’t catch you off guard and you feel like you can respond in a way you feel good about rather than freezing or flipping your lid.
Remember, it is NOT your responsibility to make other people feel comfortable, especially when they are not being mindful of your comfort. Being respectful, clear, and intentional is about helping YOU get through the situation, not them.
You might think about your responses in terms of ‘spicy’ or ‘salty’ you’d like to be. This is a matter of preference and there is no wrong answer as long as you feel good about it.
Common Themes of Unwanted Comments
· Job situation
· Relationship situation
· Kid situation
· Pregnancy
· Parenting opinions
· Weight gain/loss
· Disability
· Gender expression
· Political opinions
· Loss
What are other unwanted comments you’ve received?
How to Respond to Unsolicited Comments During the Holidays
Remember, this advice is for you, not to comfort other people who are being insensitive and mindless.
Speak from an ‘I’ point of view
Don’t start with an accusatory tone saying ‘you can’t say that’ or ‘you need to shut it.’ Instead share your point of view.
Image from Pexels by Nicole Michalou 12/9/24
Acknowledge a positive intent
Honestly, even if you don’t think the person has a positive intent, it really throws people off. Here’s an example responding to a comment about money:
“Grandma, I appreciate that you want me to be financially secure, and I am focused on my happiness right now.”
Add ‘AND’
Using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ refrains from negating everything you said before the ‘but.’ Notice in the example above, I used ‘and.’ Using ‘and’ holds multiple realities and isn’t as confrontational.
Set a clear expectation
You get to identify what is and isn’t acceptable to discuss, whether that’s in a spicey way or gentle way. Here’s 3 examples of gentle to spicey in response to a comment about weight gain.
Gentle: “I’d appreciate it if you don’t make comments about my body.”
Medium: “Comments about bodies aren’t helpful.”
Spicey: “Wow, I didn’t realize we were commenting on bodies today, should I comment on yours next?”
You might have to say it more than once
Perhaps this means elevating the spiciness.
If appropriate, it could be a moment to educate
Self-preservation in most of these situations is key. However, there are potential moments for education and empathy. Maybe you could help a family member understand why it isn’t okay to ask when you’re having a kid, or comment on your medical challenges. Again, this is a intentional choice on your part and you are by no means obligated to do this.
Change the subject
A little bit of distraction and re-direction isn’t a bad thing.
Recruit an ally
If you feel close to other people in the situation, such as a sibling or friend, discuss beforehand how you want to support one another. This can be taking them out of a situation or stepping in to speak. You might create a code word or hand signal together to communicate a need for support.
Be choosey
Be choosey in the first place about how with whom you spend your previous time. Check out my other blog, ‘Seattle Anxiety Therapist Shares How to Enjoy the Holidays on Your Terms’
How to Handle Roadblocks in Setting Boundaries
Consistent Disregard of Boundaries:
Image from Unsplash by Tim Gout 12/9/24
Considering setting boundaries before a party/get together. If this is an ongoing challenge, have the conversation ahead of time that if unwanted comments continue, you will leave the situation. This is a helpful one when navigating issues around political differences.
Re-assess how you want to spend your holidays. Build communities and families of choice that love and support you. People will sometimes say stupid things, but what is more important is how they respond to your boundaries and wishes.
Difficulty communicating
Don’t face challenging situations alone. Employ people you trust to help you face holiday gatherings. Perhaps other things may help, like a comforting object or pet.
Seek out therapy to help you navigating unhelpful patterns from your past, heal trauma, and build communication skills.
Unpreparedness
Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t want to do. Also don’t think things you simply ‘be different’ this time and hope for the best.
Make an exit strategy plan and make that clear to your supports.
Reach Out To A Seattle Anxiety Therapist
There are loads of people out there who engage in inconsiderate behavior without thinking twice. Just because it’s common, doesn’t mean it’s okay. You don’t have to put up with harassment of any kind, including unwanted comments. If people don’t respond to your requests, wishes and boundaries, it’s time to make a change.
If setting boundaries with other people stresses you out and you’d like more help, reach out and schedule a free consultation today. Start teaching people around you it’s not okay to be inconsiderate.
About the Author: Seattle Therapist Chelsea Kramer LMFT
Chelsea Kramer is a Seattle Therapist who works with individual and families facing grief, anxiety and trauma, with special focus on reproductive and medical mental health.
Learn more about Chelsea’s specialties: grief, anxiety, infertility, pregnancy loss, chronic illness, menopause, medical trauma
Learn more about Chelsea
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