Seattle Anxiety Therapist Shares Tips on How To Face Tough Conversations with Your Family Around Death, Illness, Money, and End of Life
Image from Pexels by Carolina Grabowska downloaded 9/25/24
The reality is our society doesn’t like to face discomfort, especially discomfort around the topics of death, illness, end of life planning, and money. In this blog, I give you concrete tips to use in navigating these difficult conversations. If the thought of engaging in these discussions brings up stress and anxiety, this is the article for you. I hope you feel more equipped to face challenging conversations to promote family support and legacy.
Understand Your Social-Emotional Context
Speaking generally, society doesn’t encourage or teach you how to discuss difficult topics or how to work on self-regulating strong emotions in the midst of these conversations. For the most part, society encourages avoidance of strong emotions, which can lead to avoidance of important conversations, leading to more suffering. This often happens in relationship to having difficult conversations with family around death, end of life planning, aging, and illness. This is also true as it relates to normalizing discussing money within families. It’s important to remember a little discomfort now facing uncomfortable conversations and provide a lot of comfort later on. It can be a helpful reframe to think about having the ability to have these conversations as a gift, as some people don’t get the opportunity for clarity around their loved ones wishes. By tackling tough conversations and engaging in open, honest and curious conversations, you can honor your loved ones wishes or make sure you communicate your own to people you love.
How to Prepare for and Manage Challenging Conversations with Your Loved Ones
Timing and Place:
As you prepare for what you expect to be a difficult conversation, be mindful of the timing and place. Timing is important and when you start the conversation. You don’t want to speak to someone when they’re overly tired, upset from something else, or distracted. Be intentional about asking for time to be set aside for an important conversation so that everyone involved can be present.
Gentle Start Up:
Ease into the topics that might be difficult. This is more effective than jumping right into a difficult topic which can be jarring. We call this a ‘gentle start-up.’ Practice this in other areas of your life so you get comfortable with the skill.
People Involved:
Image from Pexels by Olly downloaded 9/25/24
You may also consider the person you’re speaking with and whether it’s better to have a one-on-one conversation or to have multiple people in the room. Discuss beforehand what each person’s role looks like in the conversation.
Curiosity:
After a settling into a space where everyone is mindfully present, with all parties involved knowing their role, and a gentle start up, remember to engage in the conversation with curiousity rather than judgement. Depending on the situation, some people may feel the need to get defensive or upset. A great way to work on staying calm is by staying curious.
Goal of Interaction:
Reframe the goal of the interaction as understanding your family members values and wishes rather than getting a specific outcome. If you understand those, and they feel heard then you can move to problem solving and action. Make sure you use reflection skills (reflecting what you hear the person say) before adding your response.
Effective Strategies for Handling Sensitive Topics with Family Members
Find Meaning:
Underneath every stance or position is there is meaning. Underneath meaning making there tends to be stories around that as well. For example: A certain position on how to spend money might be related to a sense of independence related to a story that person has that maybe they’ve always been fighting for independence in their life. Be curious about the meaning and stories under peoples’ stances. This will help you move through discomfort and misunderstanding.
Explore Generational Patterns:
Just as there are meanings underneath certain stances or positions, it can also be helpful to look into family history and notice any generational patterns that could be impacting the current situation. Typically what you perceive as ‘normal’ or ‘not normal’ has to do with your own experience, and that’s true for your family members as well.
Identify Vulnerabilities:
Another piece to be mindful of is the individual and systemic vulnerabilities/triggers/or pain points of a specific person or family. Everyone has them and they look different for different people. An example might be someone’s fear of abandonment, or sensitivity to death, or a sensitivity to perceived criticism. Being mindful of people’s enduring vulnerabilities can help you navigate potential land mines in a conversation.
Express a Positive Need:
If part of the reason you’re having this challenging conversation with family is for a specific need, it’s important how you ask for what you need. Humans typically get really good at identifying what they don’t want or need rather than what they do. When emotions and tensions are high this can be even more true. Express your views as a positive need, not as what you don’t want. For example: “I don’t want you arguing with me.” Instead say something like, “I need collaboration and reflection on this topic.”
Image from Unsplash by Sandy Millar Downloaded 9/25/24
Get Professional Help
It’s a great option to reach out for professional help when addressing death, end of life planning, money and more. Professional fiduciaries, estate planners, financial advisors, death doulas, and mental health professionals can all be resources for you and your family. Possibly consider both individual and family therapy as options. For caregivers, specific caregiver support can be a great lifeline.
About the Author: Seattle Therapist Chelsea Kramer LMFT
Chelsea Kramer is a Seattle Therapist who works with individual and families facing grief, anxiety and trauma, with special focus on medical challenges, reproductive health, and life transitions.
Learn more about Chelsea’s specialties: grief, anxiety, infertility, pregnancy loss, chronic illness, menopause, medical trauma
Learn more about Chelsea
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