A Seattle Anxiety Therapist Shares How to Let Go From What You Can’t Control

Image from Unsplash by Mink Mingle

What is De-fusion?

Thoughts are tricky. Many people buy into whatever thought jumps into their mind in the moment. Other times, people get stuck in certain thoughts or become scared of other thoughts. When it comes to the experience of anxiety, many people experience anxious thoughts that tell they automatically buy into. Fusion is becoming so entangled with an inner experience that there’s not distinction between you and that experience. For example, “My anxiety…” is an example of fusion to anxiety. De-fusing from this thought may look like, “the experience of anxiety.” You are not anxiety, you are you. Anxiety can show up as an emotion, a thought, a memory or a physical sensation, it is not inherely a part of you as a human. All these examples, including thoughts, are the content of your life, you are the arena. Instead of trying to vanquish these common sensations, thoughts and emotions, what if you tried to change how you relate to them? For most people, extinguishing experiences doesn’t work.

One of my favorite phrases when it comes to de-fusing from thoughts is “let go or be dragged.” The image that comes to mind is of a horseback rider getting bucked off with their foot stuck in the stirrup being dragged as the horse continues to run. If this happened to you, would you just give up and be dragged? Or, would you take the energy to grab your knife and cut the stirrup free? It takes courage, energy, and intention to de-fuse from thoughts.

Like wild horses, thoughts come up and roam whatever way they want. By the time you’ve noticed a thought, it’s already happened. Thoughts are constantly passing through your mind, while only a fraction of them bubble up into your conscious awareness. Your mind has a limited number of real estate spots. Anxious thoughts might offer up the highest bid, but do you want them taking up all your mental real estate?

Interested in De-fusion?

Here are some fun ways to practice de-fusing from your thoughts:

·      Say you can’t do something while doing it.

·      Say the thought in a different voice.

·      Write the thought on your hand.

·      Write your thought on a piece of paper and carry it in your pocket.

·      Imagine yourself as a little kid saying it and then decide how you want to comfort the kid.

·      Say the word quickly for 30 seconds.

·      See your mind as an advisor rather than a dictator.

·      Take two minutes to come up with other uses for an object than its original intention.

·      Give your mind or specific thoughts a name.

·      Appreciate how your mind is trying to help.

·      Sing your thought.

·      Say your thought backwards.

·      Look at your thought as an object.

Rethinking Language: Anxiety and Control

I hate the word control because as humans, we really don’t have control over anything. We can INFLUENCE outcomes, but no one can 100% control anything. I prefer to use the word influence to explore what parts of your life you can influence, and what parts are completely out of that sphere of influence. Part of setting yourself up for success is distinguishing or delineating between these two things. A simple yet effective strategy to explore this is through a ‘T’ chart with one side being what you can influence, and the other what you can’t. Get specific about the topic when creating this chart. For example, if you’re feeling anxiety related to an upcoming event, use that event for the chart.

When I Don’t Have Influence: Anxiety and Acceptance

Once you have a clear idea of what is completely out of your influence, you get to work on letting go of such things. You may use a different word like acceptance, release, or other terms, but it means the same thing. Whatever verbiage you use, you’re working to save energy on exerting influence on things you really care about and can change. Many people don’t think of energy as a finite resource, but it is in every way. Whether we’re talking about physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual energy, as humans we can only use so much. The great news is you get to decide when and how you spend that energy. The better you get at differentiating when and how you want to spend that energy, the more likely you’ll feel better about your days. The practice of releasing what you can’t influence is a practice, it doesn’t happen consistently overnight. The following examples can give you strategies to build this practice.

How to practice letting go (acceptance) of what you can’t influence:

·      Write a list of how you’ve tried to ‘solve’ or ‘change’ this issue.

·      Receive this reality as a gift.

·      Practice a ‘yes’ stance with arms open.

·      Practice an open versus closed stance (arms open wide, arms close tightly around torso).

·      Build compassion towards an experience

·      Zoom out and look at the wider picture

·      Practice the opposite of a thought

·      Make a ‘T’ chart as discussed earlier for clarity.

·      Engage in visualization of letting the thought or problem go.

Image from Pexels by Polina Tankilevitch

Changing What You Can Influence: Anxiety and Values

The other half of that ‘T’ chart includes what you can influence regarding a specific issue. This exercise might end up surprising you and you may find you can influence more parts of an issue than you originally thought. When you’re experiencing anxiety, taking a step toward in a way that is meaningful to you can seem daunting. It’s helpful to practice ways to take perspective and to get clarity around what you care about.  

You can shift your perspective by changing person, place, or time.  

You can influence how to see and understand your experience and the world around you. Practice building what we call the ‘observer self’ which non-judgementally engages in curious observation of your inner experience without getting fused to them. You are aware of your thoughts, you are not your thoughts. You think thoughts, you are not only your thoughts. A helpful question I ask folks consistently is:

What would you have to not care about for this not to hurt?

You usually don’t stress or feel anxiety around things you don’t care about in some way. Thoughts and other inner experiences can be sign posts pointing to what you really value. As humans, our pain often relates to our values. Take some time to reflect on what you care about with special focus on what impacts your emotions and thoughts. In a non-judgemental way, can you be curious about your response, without getting attached to it? How do you story your experience, especially related to these difficult thoughts?

Making Changes: Anxiety and Action

Therapy with me is action oriented. Yes, there is groundwork that needs to be done before and in tandem with action, but most people come to therapy wanting to change some aspect of their life. Many people come to therapy after trying to change things beyond their influence, meanwhile not spending energy into what they care about. The fixation on the future, rather than the moment can cause problems, because so often some discomfort now can lead to valued outcomes. It’s like that saying you must walk before you run. You can get so focused on running fast that you forget to learn how to walk. Some persistence can be avoidance. For example, using this analogy, reading about running fast, what clothes you need, what you’re going to do when you win, all that can be avoidance of the hard skill building of learning to walk. I prefer the word commitment over motivation. You’re not always going to feel motivation. But if you re-commit to the things you care about, you’ll be much more likely to continue a behavior. Lasting change is small, measurable, attainable, results focused, and time bound. A convenient acronym—SMART. Change is hard and must. Be done through small adjustments, new habits, social support and commitment.

Contact Your Seattle Anxiety Therapist Today!

If the experience of anxiety has stopped you from living a life you want, it doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re tried to get rid of anxious thoughts that haunt your daily life, there’s another way! You’re not a failure for feeling anxiety, it’s a human emotion that sometimes gets out of control. You are you and cannot be reduced to a thought or emotion. If you’d like to work one on one to get back to living rather than surviving, reach out and schedule a free consultation today.

Learn more about Chelsea’s specialties: grief, anxiety, infertility, pregnancy loss, chronic illness, menopause, medical trauma

Learn more about Chelsea

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