Seattle Therapist’s 2024 Reflections: Letting Go of Society’s Lies About Self-Worth
Image from Unsplash by Sebastian Leon Prado 12/30/24
I’ve thought about this post for months. It’s unusual because I’m going to be speaking about my journey this past year. I share it with you because I think it’s important for people to understand therapists are professionals with education and experience, yet we are trying to figure out this thing called life just like everyone else. This year posed a turning point in my career. I found myself at the crossroads of change like so many of us do. It was harder to stay the same than to face the discomfort of changing. Having worked as a therapist for the last thirteen years, I’ve worked in a variety of settings including community mental health, nursing homes, groups practice, and private practice. I could no longer sustain a practice where I had to have 20-30 sessions a week to pay my bills. I was feeling cynical and burnt out. I knew what I needed to do, but it was terrifying taking the leap. This year I got off insurance panels and transferred to an all private pay practice. This transition has pushed me to challenge all sorts of beliefs given to me by society and culture. As a white, cis-gender woman, raised with a protestant background and working in a helping profession, I was taught to work hard, be grateful for what I had and to be helpful and supportive of others. I had to decide what parts of these narratives fit for me, and which ones I had to challenge face on.
Misogynistic Double Binds
Most women can empathize with the concept of a double bind. Be smart and assertive, but don’t be a bitch. Be desirable, but don’t be a slut. Be successful, but be humble. Such messages are pervasive both in private and professional life. As a helping professional, therapist culture taught me to take a ‘one down’ position where the client is given ‘unconditional positive regard.’ Talk about self preservation, protection, and advocacy are there but as a secondary focus. (Let me say here, my training was incredible, it’s been more the culture of the profession over time that impacted this narrative). There is no way to unravel such messages without acknowledging that therapy, counseling and other allied professions are mostly filled by women. Unfortunately, when a profession becomes predominantly women, the average salary tends to be lower. The perceived value of the profession tends to decline. Let’s face it, our society hates women, that’s no surprise. The connection between the de-valuing of emotional labor (both paid and unpaid) is directly tied to misogny. It’s an act of resistance to be a woman who offers a professional service tied to emotional labor and be compensated appropriately. As a white, cis-gender, heterosexual woman, I have privilege to challenge this paradigm, but not all people have such privilege.
Self-Worth
How do you define your worth? For many people in our society they judge their worth by what they produce, how busy they are, or how much money they make. Of course, understanding my own self worth is something I’ve had to explore. I personally believe that humans are worthy because they exist. I believe your spirit, soul, personality is important because it exists. Living in a capitalistic society, most of us must challenge this idea. As a therapist, I’ve come to acknowledge that my worth is correlated to my client’s outcomes. How do I ensure my clients get quality outcomes? By doing everything in my power to create a business that is sustainable and able to prioritize quality care over time. That is very different than defining worth by busy-ness or production. I want to continue to build a practice that focuses on quality rather than quantity. As a person, I want to be able to take care of myself and my loved ones.
Societal Lies
I had to face these lies directly and decide what I wanted to keep or throw out. Society, culture, and people around you will give you all kinds of messages. You have to decide what fits for you and what isn’t helpful in building a life you want to live.
Lie #1: Therapy isn’t important.
Challenge #1: I know immediately I don’t believe this lie! Therapy can be transformational! I’ve seen it in my life personally and countless times being the therapist. Nothing is like therapy, a confidential space with a non-judgemental, safe person I help you navigate challenges. Therapy is a valuable resource.
Lie #2: Helpers should sacrifice themselves.
Challenge #2: I believe this message is immensely tied to misogyny and therefore I reject it. Systemically, this idea that helpers should be selfless continues the cycle of the marginalization of women.
Lie #3: Experience and expertise aren’t valuable.
Image from Unsplash by Amani Nation 12/30/24
Challenge #3: We live in a culture currently that often doesn’t appreciate experience or expertise. I had to challenge this within myself. My life experiences show me that when people are suffering with a specific issue, they want helpers who have education and expertise in this specific field. This is a classic example of the difference between the cultural narrative versus lived experience.
Lie #4: If the system is broken, you have to figure out how to fix it as one person.
Challenge #4: The healthcare system in America is broken, especially mental health. It’s impossible for one person to fix. It’s a systemic issue. Do you know more therapists and counselors are leaving the profession rather than entering it? The system is broken for professionals and clients. This has also given big business an opportunity to jump in and profit from vulnerable people who are in desperate situations by offering low cost services by taking advantage of workers and violating privacy laws. I spent years being overworked and underpaid so I could be inclusive. That led to burnout and the possibility of leaving the profession that I love so dearly. As I am learning to put my ‘oxygen mask’ on first, I have more capacity to fight, advocate, and challenge change in this profession. You have to make sure you put your mask on first before helping anyone else on this metaphorical plane.
2024 Lessons Learned
Over this last year, transitioning my business and engaging in the internal work behind the scenes, these are some of the key takeaways I’ve learned. In my experience, each of us has to come to these conclusions on our own, however, I hope that you can take some helpful points from my experience and find more ease in your days.
It’s okay if people don’t like you. Then you aren’t for them, that’s okay. The people that need to find you and utilize your unique talents are out there and will find you.
Persistance is key. Change takes time and patience. When things get tough, rely on your support system.
Support is everything. Both personal and professional support was important for me, emotional and practical.
You have to believe that you can do it. Even in times of doubt, it’s important to tap into the deep knowing that you have everything you need to be successful.
Identify what you don’t know and find people who do have the knowledge.
If you’re facing emotional, physical, or other life transitions and want support, reach out today. I offer free consultations to make sure I’m a good fit for your needs.
About the Author: Seattle Therapist Chelsea Kramer LMFT
Chelsea Kramer is a Seattle Therapist who works with individual and families facing grief, anxiety and trauma, with special focus on reproductive and medical mental health.
Learn more about Chelsea’s specialties: grief, anxiety, infertility, pregnancy loss, chronic illness, menopause, medical trauma
Learn more about Chelsea
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Check out my other blogs about the current state of mental healthcare and self-worth:
A Seattle Therapist’s Trauma Informed Framework for Building Self Trust
Discovering Freedom: Out-of-Network Online Therapy Options in Seattle